You won't Like me when I'm angry....

Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of of fools.

-Ecclesiastes 7:9

     So while searching the net for a topic and asking the only person I know that reads this blog (thanks Allie) a common theme was introduced, anger and anxiety. I might have done one on this before but I'm not exactly sure and really don't feel like going back and looking. But all the blogs 5 in all including one that said the Incredible Hulk could be cured with massive medication and anger management. I figured what the heck, besides we're all angry and anxious once and awhile and well ok alot, so whats the harm in repeating if I've already done one on the topic.

"In your anger do not sin." Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the Devil a foothold. He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need. Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.

-Ephesians 4:26-31

   
 So anger and anxiety are an everyday occurance for all of us, some of us more than others. It seems these day's that everything can cause you to be angry or cause you to be anxious. For instance while I'm writing this a song that was dubbed "our song" by an ex is playing on pandora is playing. Though it's been awhile I still get angry with how that relationship ended and the song tends to stoke the flames that I've mostly put out. Now just in case you are reading this I'm not mad about how the relationship actually ended, whats done is done, more mad at myself for how I acted afterwords sorry. Anyway as I was saying. anger and anxiety is nothing to really laugh at or over look. Some people have serious issues with them. some people can't control them as well as other, and for some they become serious medical conditions that require medications and therapy to manage. There is nothing wrong with this. In my opinion anger is something that is not avoidable, and no matter how much inner peace you have  you will still get anxious about something. Some of the things that cause these can be as simple as bills (my big one), relationships, stupid people (another big one for me), work, roommates, pets, childen, and many many other things that are to numerous to to list. So how do we deal with all this stuff? How do we calm ourselves down, and how do we prevent ourselves from making fools of ourselves and possibly loosing friends and family members?

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him becuase he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

-1 Peter 5:6-8

   

  This verse actually paints a really good picture. Anyone whose every dealt with massive anger and anxiety knows that it is like a lion that follows you around waiting for its first chance to pounce. Take it from me, someone with massive anger issues. It took me forever to figure out how to not lose my temper, unfortunatly it took alot of dents in the side of my truck and a couple holes in the wall to figure it out. I learned to pray. I never thought that it would work, but after awhile when I got mad, I'd calm down walk away, and say a prayer and ask for help calming down. There were several times that I simply just left making up some stupid excuse that I had something to do or something that I needed to get done. I've even simply just got up and left without telling anyone where I'm going.  Anger really scared me, I didn't want to scare what friends I had away, the were to great to screw up my relationships with. So I've learned to take a deep breath, count to ten, and say a quick prayer to calm me down. Take my word for it, it works.

I call on the Lord in my distress, and he answers me

-Psalm 120:1

     

Anxiety is something I've experienced but not as bad as some of my friends. I've seen friends that get so worked up that they actually shake. They get worked up and basically shut down all together. It's scary both being anxious and being around while someone you care about is anxious. I learned early to calm down as far as being anxious, and having done the job I do I've gotten fairly good at talking my friends down from anxiety attacks when its called for, but I still get terrified. I worry so much about the people I care about that when it happens, I get anxious. Ironic isn't it. But still I find that prayer is a great way to calm down and when it happens I through up a quick little prayer to help me help the person I'm helping and I feel comforted and calm and able to help better. 

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.

-Psalm 55:22

   

   I find it amazing how powerful prayer is. No matter what happens it seems that, like all those annoying cell phone commercials say, there's a prayer for that, (you know, there's an app for that.). Prayer can be calming, comforting, relaxing, etc.... I think I've made my point. Prayers provide strength and an inner calm that can help you through any situation. The best part about this whole thing, is when we're angry and anxious, and we can't seem to form a thought let alone, the ability to think of words to say a prayer or how to word it there a two great parts to this. One is that we don't need to find the words, God knows whats in our hearts and knows our prayers before we do. Second, if you feel like saying the prayer either outload or in your head helps to calm you, you can always go back to the basics and the prayer that Christ taught us to pray:

Our Father who art in heaven, hollowed be thy name,

thy kingdom come

thy will be done,

on Earth as is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread,

and forgive us our trespasses, 

as we forgive those who trespass against us.

Lead us not into temptation,

deliver us from evil,

for thine is the kingdom and the power forever and ever Amen.

  

   Not all churches say that prayer the same I know I'm usually the guy at a catholic service that is the only one still saying it when everyone else is done but it doesn't matter.  So next time you get angry or anxious, when you just want to pound that idiot talking in the face, or your so worked up that your heart is beating out of your chest, and your breathing is rapid do this. Close your eyes, take slow deep breathings in through your mouth and out through your nose, count to ten, and send a prayer up to the big guy. He'll stand with you through it and all will be fine. So this isn't my best entry, not by far, feel free to comment if you'd like to and give me any idea's for things to write about. Thanks for reading and God bless.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

-1 Peter 5:7

The anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up.

-Proverbs 12:25 

Faith like potatoes, persistance like rhuabarb...

Faith and prayer are the vitamins of the soul; man cannot live in health without them.
Mahalia Jackson

     Ok, so I've never seen the actual movie faith like potatoes, but I've been told that it was a great movie. But seriously, faith for whatever reason is whats been on my mine. When I was a kid, my grandma always told me and my brothers that she hoped that someday that one of us would be a minister, well I'm not a minister, but I think this blog is my way of meeting grandma half way. Grandma had and amazing faith, my grandpa passed around Christmas when I was about 10 years old, and my grandma around Easter. Yeah I know not exactly the best way to celebrate the holidays, but through all that, I never saw my grandma lose faith. I still remember going to see her and listening to the church service on cassette tape since she couldn't attend in person, or saying prayers before meals and bed. Both grandma and grandpa had such an unshaken faith, it was moving, like soul moving.

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. ² This is what the ancients were commended for. ³ By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible.
-Hebrews 11:1-3

     Faith is absolutely amazing, it can move mountains and part seas. Sometimes I think that if people had a little more faith in life that things would go a lot easier,  and maybe even a little more at peace. Like I said faith can move mountains and that's how I'm going to look at it from now on. I've seriously had a lack of faith in things for awhile, I've had the attitude that nothing will work out for me, money, girls, life, everything. I kept praying for things to get better but they never did I lost faith and never even tried to find it again. The more things went wrong the less faith I had. Thinking about it, it really sucked. I'm actually ashamed that I let it get as bad as I did.

When he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord.

-James 1:6-7

     I don't know what got into my head the other day, but while I was sitting in the college book store drinking an Americana talking to my friend that worked there, I read a magnet (yes a fridge magnet) that had the Hebrews verse posted above on it. Something changed in my head, I decided that I need to change things, I need to have more faith and maybe things will start to look up for me. I've given this a little thought and a trial run and sure as shit, things seem to be better, I've gotten more over time at work and it looks like I could get myself out of debt soon, I'm getting closer to getting my motorcycle, I met a girl whose cool beans (even though she don't know I like her) after a little prayer and allot of faith I think I'm gonna stick to this new way of thinking. Hope you all have a great day.

If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.

-Matthew 21:22

Body Armor

Many are the woes of the wicked, but the Lord's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in him

-Psalm 32:10

     So not long ago a friend of mine posted a picture to his facebook page that he took of what is either something that is on his duty belt (he's a law enforcement officer) or the chain for his wallet. This picture had a very simple subtext to go with it "Real body armor" .  I must have looked at that picture for 5 minutes thinking about what he was saying. You see, we both choose carriers that are fairly rough and yest at times scary, him a peace officer, me and EMT/Firefighter. One of us deals with criminals and faces the constant fear of knives, bullets, battons, high speed pursuit, and not knowing if the next call to come through dispatch could be your last. The other a life of sickness, injury, stress, little sleep, raging fires, twisted metal, high speed, and hot flames. We've both seen our fair share of tragedy and disaster, I don't ask about his, and he hasn't asked about mine, to be honest we hardly ever talk shop at all. You see this photo got me thinking, mostly the caption, body armor real body armor.

The Lord is faithful, and he will protect you from the evil one.

-2 Thessalonians 3:3 

      You see in both our lines of duty we have things to protect us, bunker gear, bullet proof vests, gloves and goggles, etc... But what about our souls? How do we protect that which can't be harmed by bullets or a flame? If you look at the picture you see 3 items on it, a Saint Michael medallion, a cross, and half a sheriffs star. I can not express how moving I find this, know that around my neck I wear something similar. I want to look deeper at this so bear with me.

 Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.

-Ephesians 6:11

     Lets start with the sheriffs star, or at least the half that he has in the picture, I can only assume that his lovely wife (yes Nikki I said lovely get over it) has the other half. I can't say that I have one of these or anything similar, but I can see why he considers it body armor. The reminder every time that you see half that star, the knowledge that somewhere at home is someone who loves you, that is losing sleep because they heard the sirens blasting in the distance, because they know that you can't always see whats in the car that you just pulled over for not using their blinker. The feeling that tells you that you will do whatever it takes to come home to that person, whether your wife, husband, child or all of the above, this is a piece of armor better than anything that you can wear outside.

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

-Genesis 2:24

     The second item in the picture is that of a Saint Micheal's Medallion, not unlike the one that I wear around my own neck. Now I was raised Lutheran and we don't follow the saints prayers or pray to the saints for protection, and I'm not really sure how it works or how to do it. I believe my friend was raised catholic but I'm not sure. I have worn mine every shift for the last 3 years and now that its on the same chain as my cross,  I wear it everyday no matter what I'm doing or what the occasion. Like I said I don't pray to the saints, I actually got the medallion at the request of my ex fiance, who said it would protect me and haven't stopped wearing it since. I pray to God constantly, but something about the medallion I find comforting, I look at it more as a guardian angel, the Medallion is of Saint Michael on both of ours because he is the patron saint of both EMT's and Police Officers. Maybe someday soon I'll add a Saint Florentine  medallion to the chain as he's the Patron Saint of Fire Fighters. Either way I know that God has angels watching over me and keeping me safe and out of harms way so that I can do what I can to help those who need it.

For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways.

-Psalm 91:11

          The last item on the picture is of a cross. Many people wear crosses, some for fashion, some for faith, some just because they got the necklace from a relative and were told they had to wear it next time they saw them so that they didn't feel bad (admit it you've all done this). Out of the three items in my friends picture, and the two items I am currently wearing around my neck, I find this to be the most comforting piece of all. The cross I wear is not only a reminder that Christ gave his life on the cross to forgive me all my sins and that no matter what may happen on this mortal plain, my place is forever with him in eternity, my cross also has sentimental value. When I was about 10 I believe my grandfather passed away, several years later I was helping my mom clean (I think, I might have just been annoying her) and I found this cross in her jewelry box. I asked her whose it was and she told me that it was my grandfather, I asked if I could have it and she said yes, I've been wearing it ever since. The longest I've ever gone without wearing it was when the chain broke and I had to find a new one. When it comes to body armor, what could be more comforting than this? A constant reminder that God sent his only son to save us because he knew that we could not save ourselves. Often times when I'm  nervous or anxious, or just plane scared I find myself checking to see if the cross is still hanging around my neck, I find a certain form of comfort in knowing that it's still there, and shockingly it always is, and even more precious is that it hangs over my heart, as if to say  "Don't worry I've made my home here in your heart and nothing will happen to you." Thank you all for reading hope you enjoyed this post more to come soon I'm sure. :)

The Lord watches over you - the Lord is your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm- he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

-Psalm 121:5-5

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     Extra Thought

     Someone once asked me if I believed in angels and if I thought angels walked among people everyday. They asked me if I could see them. At the time I believe I answered that there were angels everywhere but that we couldn't see them at all because they were hidden from us doing good deeds and protecting us. I would like to state today that I was wrong. There are angels that walk among us that we see everyday of our lives. They work long hours, sometimes all night through days on end with little sleep and gas station food. These angels don't have wings, and we can't see their halo's but they are there, most often times wearing a uniform. The angels I am referring to are the men and women that work as police officers, firefighters and EMT's/Paramedics. They take their time to look out for us and help us in our time of illness or injury, run into places that only the devils dares to dwell, risk their lives to stop harm from coming to us. I'm not writing this because I am an EMT/firefighter I'm writing this little extra piece to remind you that there are always angels present both seen and unseen.

So the man who was standing among the myrtle tree's answered "these are they whom the Lord has sent to patrol the earth".

-Zachariah 1:10

Anguish makes you think...

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put you hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my savior and my God.

-Psalm 42:5-6

 

     So needless to say if you know me and your one of the few people that I actually talk to and know whats going on in my life you know that certain events have led me to be fairly depressed and upset. Of all the nights that I should have been down oddly enough the one that drove me nuts and made me really thing about whats going on was one night hanging out with the gang and watching the Stephen King movie Pet Sementary. Maybe its because the kid in the movie is so cute before he becomes a homicidal zombie or because somehow in my own way I related to the dad with losing his son. To clear things up right now, no nothing has happened to Parker and no Nothing is wrong with me or Parker, just some things that are changing that I'm having issues with. I don't mind change but this one is gonna get to me before it's over.
     All this suffering got me thinking, allot, mainly it started one night when, after a couple drinks at home alone watching stupid television and thinking about all the crap going on and posting a very depressing status, and then going to bed, I went to bed and when I woke up I found a surprise, friends. Several of the friends that I have known for ages, some that I haven't known long had sent me messages asking if everything was ok and if they could help. They assured me that everything was going to be ok, that I was gonna make it through it.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

-Philippians 4:6

   I think that some days that we forget just how blessed we are and that we do have friends, nay angels that watch over us even  when we're down, even if we don't know that their their, when we really need them they're the ones that are their and will be there for us no matter what. Sure every one's friends have gotten on their nerves, hell I've seen 2 of the best friends I've ever known argue fight, make up, get in a bigger fight, quit talking, ignore each other for months, and now they're two of the best friends I've ever seen, hard as it is to believe they may even be closer now than they were before. All this love and friendship that I've seen around me the last year has just amazed me, even when things completely blow people seem to be finding comfort in the "angels" that God has sent them. Maybe if we all listened to what the Bible told us to do:

Cast you cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.

-Psalm 27:1

     Maybe if we spent more time asking God for help, and less time fretting about the stresses of daily life, and ask for God's guidance in dealing with and making it through what ever hardships may present themselves before us, I believe that nothing is to hard for us to over come.

Do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?

-Matthew 6:25

The Bird of Hermes is my name, Eating my wings to make me tame...

                                                                In the sea without lees
                                                           Standeth the bird of Hermes
                                                             Eating his wings variable
                                                     And maketh himself yet full stable
                                                  When all his feathers be from him gone
                                                      He standeth still here as a stone
                                                      Here is now both white and red
                                                And all so the stone to quicken the dead
                                                         All and some without fable
                                                    Both hard and soft and malleable
                                                     Understand now well and right
                                                        And thank you God of this sight

                         The bird of Hermes is my name eating my wings to make me tame.

     The above is a section from something called the Ripley Scroll. I'm not exactly sure what the scroll is or what its suppose to mean, but this is one section that I find particularly interesting. OK so before I go on I found out about the verse while watching an anime with my roommates, but still it works for what I'm going to right, because in a sense it fits how I'm feeling at the moment. 
     So through the little bit that I've read while looking for the verse no one seems to really be sure as to what the verse is talking about, for instance one of the comments I started to read stated that they believed it was about raising the dead, I openly admit that I lost interest in the comments after the 8th spelling error (shallow I know but its been along shift and I didn't want to try and figure out what they were trying to spell.) I have my own idea's about this though, very different from the raising the dead idea. I personally believe that the verse, mainly the last sentence "The bird of Hermes is my name eating my wings to make me tame."  Referes to our pride.I believe that when they say that he's eating his wing they are talking about him swallowing his pride. Every human being on the face of the planet, is prideful. Its one of the seven deadly sins if I'm not mistaken, we all have something that we take great pride in, for some of us its out families, or our athletic ability, our brains, are good looks, something that we're proud to have or possess. There is nothing wrong with having pride in something, especially if we worked hard to obtain that thing, but often we become prideful. No one is innocent of this, not completely we become so prideful that we push people away without realizing it, the get so tired of hearing us boast and brag about our accomplishments that those that were once our friends become the people that avoid us at all costs. Another way to word this is egotistical. If you don't keep your ego/pride in check, you become an annoyance to others and lose those who you care about, this is what I believe is meant by "eating my wings to make me tame".
     Lets look at it this way. Assuming that the bird had extremely beautiful wings and was very proud of them, that he went about strutting and bragging about himself and constantly drawing attention to himself and his wings. Eventually people would begin to avoid him because his pride/ego became to much for anyone to handle because they were tired of constantly talking about his wings. After awhile maybe the bird discovered the error of his ways and instead of continuing in his prideful/egotistical ways, decided to change, "eating my wings," could, in my opinion, also be worded swallowing your pride, or checking your ego. By eating the thing that he was so proud of the bird had nothing to be prideful about and therefore had nothing to brag about, thus making it possible for the bird to fix the issues that his friends had.
     I'm not going to say that having pride or a small ego is a bad thing, its always a good thing to be proud of something it gives us a sense of  well pride, something to be happy about. The important thing is to remember to keep that ego in check, swallow your pride and think of the others who have to put up with you. Have a blessed day.

 
"Do not keep talking so proudly or let your mouth speak such arrogance, for the LORD is a God who knows,
and by him deeds are weighed. "

1 Samuel 2:3

Things that go bump in the night...

    OK so this entry I'm actually looking for comments one because in this one I guess you could say I'm looking for advice in dealing with some stuff. I'm not going to use names or anything so any other party's that think I might be talking about you or someone you know, well I guess you'll just have to wonder cause I won't answer questions on who I'm talking about.
     So here's whats up, it is currently 0332 (3:32 am for those who don't know military time) and I am still awake, what sucks about this? I went to bed at 2300 (11:00pm) I read for a little while and couldn't sleep so I stepped outside for a smoke and grabbed my computer to browse for a bit, bad idea. The minute I log onto on of my email accounts I find several emails from an address I don't recognize, in the emails are attachments, I open the attachments thinking they may be from a friend, well I was wrong this email contains most of the photos taken during my last relationship. Now I don't know who sent it or why but it pisses me off so if you know of anyway how to track an email address, please feel free to share.
    So in an attempt to cheer up I decide to look at photos on friends pages and on my own, didn't work so well, granted  some of my friend's pages did a bit of good, cause it was great to see how much we've all changed in the last 5 years, some of us are married, some of us have kids, some of us are married with kids, some of us haven't changed at all, and some of us we don't talk to anymore. So upon doing this I decided to look at my own, bad idea I ended up deleting a vast majority of photo's and albums from my facebook. Some where those stupid "what is your spirit animal" kinda thing, and other were of someone who has made it very clear that they want nothing to do with me, which works cause after being stabbed in the back so many time eventually all it takes is once to make you not want to have anything to do with them either. (and for my dl friends reading this who think they know who I'm referring to in this last part, no its not just her)
     So here are my questions, mainly I'm asking out of peer curiosity

          1) Does anyone know how to trace an email address so I can find out whose sending me these dam  pictures?

2) Everyone has a tempter to some point, some of us can control it better than others, what do you do when your angry and frustrated and seem to be pissed off at the world, that is how do you unwind?

Men of courage...

So I've been meaning to write in both my blogs for a very long time, unfortunately school and work have kinda superseded pleasure writing. Today I'd like to talk about something that I'm personally dealing with. Being a dad.
I'm the first to admit that I believe that I am a horrible father. I don't get to see my son as anywhere near as much as I'd like to. Add that to the way things are sometimes with his mother and well its not pretty in the least bit. That's the thing that hurts the most. I know I could have changed things that have happened but I didn't I was an asshole plain and simple. Now I do more arguing with his mom than we do talking and still I feel like its hurting him more and more. I have found something that helps though something that I intend to begin looking more deeply at again. The Bible.
Every time that I've studied the different books of the Bible I've learned one thing, love, no one is perfect and no matter what we do God forgives. I know that I love my son, my son knows that I love him, and God knows that I love my son and would do anything for him.
I know that to some people I'm annoying, overzealous, and a pain in the ass. I've messed up everything from professional relationships to personal ones. Somehow I've managed to alienate everyone I've ever dated at one point or another and made them hate me for undetermined amounts of time. I can live with this it doesn't bother me (much there are certain people that shall remain unnamed that I really wish I could say were still my friends) but there is one thing that  a person can never question, and that is how much I care for my son. No I wasn't raised perfect, and no my son won't be either, there's no such thing as perfect no on earth anyway. I'll do the best I can and with God's help that will be enough. to quote the movie Courageous (which is where I got the title for the blog) "I don't want to be a good enough father".  I want to be the best father I can be. So here's the thing you don't have to like me, you don't have to trust me, hell you don't even have to acknowledge me, but know this I will NEVER hurt my son or let anything happen to him.
                          *recommended read* I don't recommend books very often but 2 that I highly recommend are Love Dare for those who are trying to create a lasting faith founded relationship. Also, The Resolution for Men, for those who wish to be better fathers and grow in Christ with there children. (side note I've heard that theres a resolution for women, but I'm not sure if there is or where to find it.) Both these books can be found in Walmart, and the movies associated with them as well (Fire proof and Courageous, both amazing movies)
Have a good one, God bless.